Thursday, June 28th, 2007
Reality bite hurts too much
There are things that we keep to ourselves because we know it is not right for others to know and it will not result into something good as well. When we hide something inside us, this things can bring out a war of emotions or it will create a battle of mixed feelings. Yes all of us most likely have this, but there are feelings that no matter how hard you try it can still be seen in your actions, in your words and if you’re too transparent like me… it can be seen in your eyes. There are feelings that started out with one look which is called - “love at first site”; some started with one touch - “the magic of unfamiliar touch”; others started out with one kiss - “the miracle of one’s first kiss”; then some started with one date – “first date glitters” and very few started out with one laugh – now how would you call that?
Revelation: Not so long ago, that one laugh began for me and it created emotions and gave me mixed feelings and no matter how I tried my transparent eyes showed how special “Sean” is to me. Sean, a boy-next-door –type, silent, simple, intellectual and funny. He can tickle my fancy with just a mere look or word; he can see thru me. He is sensitive enough to ask me “what’s with the sad eyes?” when he feels I have a problem. He makes me really laugh. I enjoyed his company and everyday I look forward to spend time with him, just listening to his brainy statements and mind bugling topics. I learned a lot from him. He looks serious and you would think it’s boring to be with him… but not Sean, because in between those intellectual talk there lies a nasty remark or a naughty comment that can make your stomach ache with laughing. I learned to like him. We spend almost everyday together, I mean an hour of the night just talking and laughing with no nonsense stuff and then he would go discuss things that I have never even think about.
Eventually the like is too much that I end up feeling for him. Don’t get me wrong, I am not waiting nor expecting him to feel the same way but at least I was hoping that he would be there doing the same things for me… spending time with me, talking to me and making me laugh and just showing that at least he appreciates all the things I do for him. I’m a simple person I get high with just one look or a smile. All I needed was a little inspiration during work and some colors during the most tiring part of my days. But of course, I don’t think he realized that. I did everything to please him… well he did some things to please me in a way. He took me out for dinner or for lunch after pissing me off with his sarcastic remarks. He sang for me on one occasion that he was drunk. Stupid of me?! But I do cherish those times. Unfortunately, no matter how I tried, no matter what I do, I couldn’t see that he appreciates the attention and caring that I am giving him. It took me a little while before I woke up with the sad reality… that for him I was just a joke… that he can laugh about with his bestfriend.
Realization: Someone asks me one time “when do you think is the time to stop loving.” And my answer was “when the times that you’re with that person becomes more painful than happy, then it is time to stop caring… to stop loving.”
I did everything I could to show Sean how special he is. I showed caring and understanding. I tried to be always there for him when he needs me and I fought for him. Everybody think that he saw too much of the special feelings I have for him… he then acts like even if he argue with me I will let him win… when he asks for something I will always give in…. when he hurt me he can get away with it with just one joke. I get pissed off with his sarcastic way of talking to me and each and every time I just cry myself to sleep thinking about him.
Friends are telling me to stop it but stupid me would say… “no, he’s not like that”. I have known him to be someone nice and that wouldn’t change. But a few days back, I was totally stunned and stoned of how he was… took for granted all the effort that his friends and I did for him. We were all trying to please him and make him happy because we know he was down. I wanted to cheer him up. But everything we did seemed to be dumped into trash.
No one knows how hurt I was… The last time I saw him the hug that we shared that usually gives me warmth… brought me nothing but splinters to my heart but it would be to much if I cried for him one more time.
After all that happened I still want to remember his face when he smiles; His giggles when he cracks a joke or two; the intelligent talk; the warm hugs and one simple kiss…
I wanted to say sorry… sorry …I gave up on you, but it is you who pushed me away. I offered you everything that I could… now there’s nothing left. He will always have a special place in my heart… I will always miss him and see him as a friend… that’s what he deserves to be.
Because reality bites… that my heart deserves far more better than 3 Sean’s put together.
Je t’aime, thanks for everything and good luck.
Now, it feels like all of this just happened in my dreams.
